Thursday, October 29, 2009

To remember my Little One

I made this little video for a memorial to my little Pea.

Baby Dust to all!!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Feelings After 4th Miscarriage

This week has been hard for me. I feel so empty without my little Pea. Secondary infertility is not easy to live with. People will say "Sometimes this happens." or "This is how nature weeds out the bad eggs.". These things hurt people like me. The people that say these things do not know the pain I went through to get pregnant and they do not know the pain I have went through going through 4 miscarriages. I do not wish this pain on my worst enemy. TTC (trying to conceive) for a person with infertility is a very hard road to travel. But we travel this road hoping for our healthy babies. We have heart ache, pain, disappointment, anger and more but we press on. Just saying "I am sorry for your loss." is good enough for me. Do not tell me it is for the best or maybe something was wrong with my baby. Understanding is the key to comforting someone that is on this road. I am so glad to have so many blogger friends that understand what I am going through. I love you all and I thank you for your support. I just needed to get some feelings out and what better place to do it. I just need to heal emotionally. The physical healing is the easy part. I let myself believe everything was going to be fine with this last pregnancy. I let my guard down and I loved my little baby that was growing inside of me. Do not get me wrong I loved that little baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant. What I mean is I let myself believe everything was going to be perfect and it made it harder for me when I found out that I was losing my little one. So now for the healing to start.

Today, October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

Missing our babies today:
January 2006
January 2007
January 2009
October 2009

Baby Dust to ALL!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

My First Blog Award

I receive this award from "Hannah" @ My Infertility Journey. Thank you so much. You are super sweet. :)

1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? Caring
4. Your father? Compassionate
5. Your favorite food? Pizza
6. Your dream last night? Sucked
7. Your favorite drink? StarBucks
8. Your dream/goal? Baby
9. What room are you in? Lining-Room
10. Your hobby? Crafts
11. Your fear? Another-Miscarriage
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Complete
15. Muffins? Blue-Berry
16. Wish list item? Baby
17. Where did you grow up? Mississippi
18. Last thing you did? Meds
19. What are you wearing? Clothing
20. Your TV? TLC
21. Your pets? Lots
22. Friends? Best
23. Your life? Broken
24. Your mood? Depression
25. Missing someone? Little-Pea
26. Vehicle? Car
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
28. Your favorite store? BestBuy
29. Your favorite color? Teal
30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Today
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Friends
34. One person who emails me regularly? Friend
35. Favorite place to eat? Cracker Barrel

I am awarding this blog award to~

1. Mary - A Hopeful Unicorn
2. UnicornMommy - UnicornMommy
3. Tammy - Tammy's Journey
4. Nicole - The Abramczyk's
5. WhatIF? - WhatIF?
6. Polly - In 2 Me See

Baby Dust to ALL!!!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Emergency Ambulance Ride and Emergency Surgery

On 10-05-2009 the pain got so bad that I could not take it any more. Then I started hemorrhaging. Hubby called an ambulance to come get me. I was taken to the hospital were they gave me morphine. The pain was so bad it only took the edge off. I then signed a blood transfusion waver due to the loss of blood. I was then taken for emergency surgery. The emergency D&C was preformed and then I woke up in recovery.

I feel very empty inside. I am not sure why this is happening to me for the 4th time. Dang 4 miscarriages!! What is wrong with me??? I am going to go back to the doctor in a week for the post op appointment and then I will see my re again after that. I will post more when my head is clear and I can think straight.

Baby Dust to ALL!!!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Going Natural

I have made a decision. I am not going to have the D&C done. I have had 2 D&C's and a blighted ovum. The more D&C's you have the more scaring and damage to the uterus there is. I talked with my doctor and explained my choice to go natural. She has agreed and it is what is best for me at this time. I have not started bleeding and I still feel pregnant as of today. If nothing starts by Friday I will return to my doctor and we will do another ultrasound to see what is going on in there. But as of today I am on an emotional roller coaster ride just waiting for it to start. I am not sure why this is happening to me again. When someone tells me "Sometimes this just happens." I want to punch them and say "NOT 4 TIMES IT DOES NOT!!" There is more wrong with me than we know and this just proves it. If we try again I am thinking I need to go holistic. I feel I need to get back to nature. If anyone has any tips or sites that cover this area please let me know. Right now I am just going threw a lot of emotional pain, sadness, anger, unknowing and fear. I am not sure if I can go through this again. But I know for a fact my son can not go through this again. I will be even more careful to make sure he does not find out if we try again.

Baby Dust to ALL!!!